[GaryM95]

FourPieceMetal, on 03 December 2011 - 12:03 PM, said:

A joke I found, and one I made up. Hope you like it/them:

Found: How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, yet it takes the whole box to light a campfire???

Made Up:

What Women Want In Men:
Nice
Good Sense of Humor
Lots of Money
A Very Steady Job
More Children than Jon & Kate

What Men Want In Women:
Nice... Body
Good... Figure
Lots...of Her Father's Money
A Very... Sexy Figure
More... Money Than He Can Make In a Year

YOU GOTTA ADMIT IT'S TRUE!

Lolol, it's partially true.....cough xD

[Tamatrainee]

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

[GaryM95]

That's a good one^

[maturenewdrummer]

ok ill do the clean version of this joke ( i dont mean to cause offence with this joke) .A blindman is walking his dog the dog stops the blindman stops the dog cocks his leg up and pees on the blindmans leg he puts his hand in his pocket pats the dog on the head and gives the dog a biscuit they walk off .A lady across the road sees what happened and walks across and stops the blindman and saysIhope you mind me stopping you but i thought what you did back there was very kind ,The blindman says What do you mean? the lady replies Well dog stopped you stopped dog wets your leg you pat it on the head give it a biscuit and start to walk again very kind of you.The blindman says Oh no mrs you dont understand i was trying to where his head was im going to give him a kick in testicles in a minute( hope you find it funny and not offensive)

[takuyadrums]

Just for laughs! Laughs until you drop bro. Keep it up!

[takuyadrums]

Keep it clean:0 hohoho

[FourPieceMetal]

SCUMBAG PARENTS:

Tell you "Don't Do Drugs"- - - - - -Can't get through the day without cigarettes, alcohol, and ibuprofen.

Tell you "Don't take candy from strangers"- - - - - - Takes you trick or treating every year.

Were college graduates- - - - - - Can't help you with your math after fourth grade.

Tell you that you need to spend your money wisely- - - - - - Spend THEIR money on expensive dinners far away from home 'just for the two of them' at least twice a week.

Encourage you to get the best job you can- - - - - - One of them doesn't have a job.

Question all of your friends- - - - - - Have friends who are addicted to drugs, frquently divorced, single parents, or have terrible jobs.

Tells you that violent and adult shows are terrible, and they don't understand why people watch them- - - - - - Have 'Sons of Anarchy', 'Always Sunny', 'Tosh.0', and one of the 'Saw' movies on tivo.

Sadly, yet hilariously, half of these jokes on the internet are true.

This post has been edited by FourPieceMetal: 20 December 2011 - 11:19 AM

[GaryM95]

That was more of a reality check than a joke tbh._.

[FourPieceMetal]

Here's one I thought of:

If people say "I'm not going to Timbuktu" when they mean they don't want to go far away, what's the expression that the people LIVING IN Timbuktu say for that reason?

[Poco Askew]

FourPieceMetal, on 22 December 2011 - 07:46 AM, said:

Here's one I thought of:

If people say "I'm not going to Timbuktu" when they mean they don't want to go far away, what's the expression that the people LIVING IN Timbuktu say for that reason?

I'm not going to Tierra Del Fuego (?).




Santa's little helpers are depressed because they have low elf esteem..
People who are afraid of Christmas are Claustrophobic.

[Poco Askew]

[Tamatrainee]

Travel eh? :-)




I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deep-poop many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

[einarabelc5]

maturenewdrummer, on 14 December 2011 - 03:29 PM, said:

ok ill do the clean version of this joke ( i dont mean to cause offence with this joke) .A blindman is walking his dog the dog stops the blindman stops the dog cocks his leg up and pees on the blindmans leg he puts his hand in his pocket pats the dog on the head and gives the dog a biscuit they walk off .A lady across the road sees what happened and walks across and stops the blindman and saysIhope you mind me stopping you but i thought what you did back there was very kind ,The blindman says What do you mean? the lady replies Well dog stopped you stopped dog wets your leg you pat it on the head give it a biscuit and start to walk again very kind of you.The blindman says Oh no mrs you dont understand i was trying to where his head was im going to give him a kick in testicles in a minute( hope you find it funny and not offensive)

Good one, only wished you didn't apologized would have make it funnier.

This post has been edited by einarabelc5: 03 January 2012 - 02:04 PM

[exup35]

decided to draw a gibbon on the back of one of our ambulances - although the crew took the vehicle before I had chance to clean it off . .

 dust gibbon.jpg (43.03K)
Number of downloads: 12

This post has been edited by exup35: 04 January 2012 - 06:44 PM

[Tamatrainee]

Things to know

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented.
It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .
and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

£ 10,120.00

The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes

Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?

A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

------------

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey, so why is there a sell by date on each jar???????

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts....
So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase: 'mind your P's and Q's'

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.. Amzanig huh?

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2012 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen


8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no 9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a 9 on this list

[Tamatrainee]

A bit late for St Patrick's Day I know however,

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
’Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
>

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a change! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
>

O’Malley staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, O’Malley sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, O’Malley woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
>
> She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
>
O’Malley said, 'Why do you say such a mean thing?'
>
> 'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
>

[Tamatrainee]

OLD (PEOPLE) JOKES

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and
pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool...
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[SpeedMetal1994]

But the Titanic didn't sink with all its passengers, plenty of them got off and made it to land.

[Tamatrainee]

SpeedMetal1994, on 15 April 2012 - 02:23 PM, said:

But the Titanic didn't sink with all its passengers, plenty of them got off and made it to land.

Don't see anything funny here, considering that approximately 1500 people (two thirds of the total number on board) didn't make it.

[Dalleh]